Kindness....give or take?

Scrolling through my Facebook feed today, I saw a meme, with a  picture of someone's hand flipping the bird, and the words "This is for every person who took advantage of my kindness".

I initially resonated with this statement, but on reflection, I see it differently.

We've all been there - been kind and offered assistance taken by someone who we perceived as not really needing the help but just too lazy or too tight to do something for themselves. And it just leaves us feeling used....and not inclined to offer assistance again.

I don't know about you, but I don't like feeling that way. So I took some time to reflect on how one finds themselves in that position and how to stop it happening.

To start with, the urge to be kind and giving comes from within us. We decide to do something kind for someone out of the 'goodness of our heart' [which translated means because it is in alignment with our personal values]. When we give, and perceive that the giving is received gratefully, our values are upheld and we feel justified in having done the deed.

But what happens when the receiver of our deed does not show gratitude? 

A lack of gratitude for our deed can come from many spaces. It may come from embarrassment - the person we have helped may be embarrassed that they weren't able to help themselves. This comes from a space of self-judgement - "I'm not good enough because I had to receive help". Or it may come from a space of misunderstanding of your motives [eg. "They're looking for a promotion and just want the boss to think they are better than me"].

Or, it may come from a differing set of values to that which you have. 

What do I mean by that?

The person you helped may not have seen the issue as requiring help, as it may not have been high on their priority list. It's hard to believe when you value something highly, that the other person might not, but it happens - and it happens regularly!

If you find yourself in a position where you have done a good deed that has gone unappreciated, take a long and close look at the circumstances. Does the person you helped feel embarrassed? Helping people up when they are down often involves a degree of shame for the one you helped. I find, that asking them to pay it forward when they are in a position to do so, makes a huge difference to their feeling of shame, and creates a movement of kindness.

Do they misunderstand your motives? One option here is to communicate clearly and ensure they understand your position. Another is to take the high road, and let them discover for themselves over time, that you are a person of integrity. Or perhaps help anonymously. Either way, their judgement of you, is none of your business. What matters is how you see yourself, not how others see you.

This works for values judgements too. If you feel your contribution was not valued, then examine the situation from an outside perspective. Is it simply a values difference? If so, recognise that the lack of gratitude stems from there, and respect that every person in this world does not share the same values.

Giving help originates from within. Before you get disillusioned about being kind or helpful, understand that if you give because it is in alignment with your values, then ceasing to give will not sit comfortably with you.

But nobody likes to feel unappreciated, so how do we avoid that?

First, appreciate your own actions! If you have done a good thing for someone, thank yourself. It's OK to appreciate your own blessings - we shine through living in alignment with what is of highest value to us. It makes us feel good, and gives us energy and enthusiasm.

Before you jump to someone's rescue, take a moment to ask yourself some questions.

1. Do they really want/need my help? If they don't, consider placing your efforts elsewhere.

2. Will it serve them? Perhaps your idea of what will help, might not be the right help for them. Confucius knew what he was talking about when he said, "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for life." The wrong kind of help dis-empowers the receiver; the right kind, empowers them.

3. Will it serve you? If your values dictate that you give regardless, then go right ahead and do so, bearing in mind point 2 above.

We all get it wrong sometimes. Our best intentions don't always work for everyone. Recognising when your kind intentions are not working will help you to give more freely and with greater impact.

And best of all, you wont be left feeling used... 

You'll be left feeling useful.

The Never-ending Story of Imperfection...

There are days when it all works...everything just seems to come together and you think you must have finally evolved into some kind of almost 'perfect' being who flies through it all and isn't bothered by the curve balls.

And then there are curve balls that are big. Huge, in fact. Curve balls that leave you wondering if you will ever be able to trust again. And leave you doubting your own worth too.

I've done a lot of work on my self-worth over the years. Bullying and other negative experiences as I grew affected my ability to believe in my worth...made me feel like a nothing and a nobody, unworthy of love or respect...or even of being treated well. Then one day, I met a beautiful person who simply accepted me for who I was. Who didn't criticise me, but instead told me how much they appreciated who I was and what I could do...not in words, but by their actions and faith in my ability to bring things to fruition. That person believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. It was a deep and beautiful soul connection and what a difference that made! It opened the door to my soul, allowing it to expand - allowing me to come to a point where I started to realise that I was worthy - that I had a right to respect and love.

Receiving that gift of belief and acceptance helped me to grow and change. To move forward with my life positively, with passion, self-belief, new purpose. I was like a bud finally opening after years of stasis....a cicada tunnelling to the surface, with intentions of singing loudly and passionately.

I studied, learnt, researched, applied my learnings, grew, flourished, started to blog...even started to write my book. Life became amazing....I loved every second of it...

But behind it all, is a yearning for perfection that has stayed with me. A wish to never get it wrong - to always get it right....to be perfect in every way.

Is that a bad thing?

Surely aiming to be the best we can be can't be a bad thing?

Well, yes....it is, when it stops me from doing the things I need to do, having conversations I need to have...because, maybe I wont get it right; when it freezes me and halts the momentum that I have started. I know I have the ability to achieve; the ability for brilliance; the ability to have the difficult conversations. But I am afraid to do it, because some of it might be wrong - I am my own worst enemy!

Lately, my desire for perfection has me wondering about more personal relationships. Do I put too much pressure on my relationships by trying to make them perfect? Do I expect too much?

I'm asking myself a lot of questions....

I've been here before. Before I started to bloom. Back then, I believed everything was my fault - I was the unworthy, not-good-enough being who created every issue in my relationships with others. Now, I'm not so sure....now, I know that there is fault in both sides, because nobody is perfect.

And that, my friends, is exactly how it is meant to be.

Life was never meant to be perfect. 

That doesn't mean we are unworthy of love or respect. It doesn't mean we should let others walk all over us and ignore our needs. It doesn't mean we can never be happy or have trust, or experience deep and real connection with others.

What is DOES mean is that it's messy, disorganised, sometimes downright awful to the point where we wonder if we will ever get through....

but at the same time, it's brilliant, shining, incredible...

and absolutely perfect!

So yes, here I sit processing my curve ball, wondering if I can find the strength to have the difficult conversation I know I must have, and I come to the realisation, that perfection is created out of imperfection. So, if I get that conversation wrong, or even if I am wrong about what I think the issue is, it doesn't have to spoil everything. It might not be a flyer of a day, where it all goes right, in fact the outcome might be downright awful, but it will be a part of the fabulously perfect puzzle that is life.

I will grow from it. I will learn from it. I will come out the other end a stronger and more confident person.

And I will respect and love myself for having stayed true to my perfectly imperfect, worthy self.

Rest Home

I wrote this poem a couple of years back. I think it is self-explanatory.

Rest Home 

by Mary Wong

Toothless, helpless, speech unintelligible

Body swaying like a leaf in gentle breeze,

Awaiting visitors who never eventuate.

Where are they? Why do they not come?

Thoughts cut like sabres.

Joy,

Wonder,

Obsessive parenting rituals.

Where are they? Why do they not come?

She dressed them, fed them, cared for their ills,

soothed the pain of unrequited love.

She went without,

Cared for their children whilst they had a life.

Where are they? Why do they not come?

First love, second love, endless love.

Babies – toothless, helpless, unable to speak

Toddlers with wobbly legs and sticky fingers

School children excitable, demanding, self-centred

Teens, excitable, demanding, selfish, sullen.

             

Young adults bursting with dreams and potential

Adults suddenly aware of what it is to love –

To truly love.

Where are they? Why do they not come?

Memories,

Lessons,

Wisdom to share.

With who?

Where are they? Why do they not come?

A Matter of Perspective

Perspective is a wonderful thing!

Every week-day morning of the school term, I get up and the morning insanity begins. A frantic combination of ‘Get up!’; ‘Brush your teeth’, ‘come on, what’s taking you so long in the bathroom? Your brother is waiting to go’, ‘concentrate on eating please, you have to leave in two minutes’, ‘Where’s your sports-bag?’, ‘Don’t forget your lunch’ …and so it goes on. If the boys aren’t out the door by 7.30am at the latest, the traffic is too heavy and they’re late for school. It’s a stressful and often frustrating process. Regardless of how organised we are, or how early we rise, it’s nearly always the same last minute rush, and [honestly] not-particularly-enjoyable process of bundling them in the car and rushing off to fight the morning traffic.

This morning, it was Dad’s turn to do the driving. After the boys had left, I sat at my desk, preparing for the day, and glanced out my window. Across the road, a family of four were in the ‘bundling them in the car’ process [their school is closer and starts later than ours]. As the three older children – all dressed up in their neat, well-pressed uniforms, neatly combed hair, clean teeth, school bags and hats in place – lined up to put their things in the car, with the father helping them, the younger sibling, dressed in a pink tutu pranced around the car and the Mum hovered about like a bumble bee, busily checking all was in place. I paused at my work and took in the scene and was amazed that from an outsider’s perspective, it all looked so beautiful. I’m very familiar with the bumble-bee Mum’s participation in the process, and could see she was just as anxious as I am each morning to get them all in and on their way on time. But, I was simultaneously surprised to realise what a special and precious time it was in the lives of that family, all together being guided towards a single purpose. The mundane morning insanity suddenly took on a whole new light and instead of a thing of stress and difficulty, became a precious gift of love and unity.

That is what perspective does for you. Taking the time to look from a different angle, to broaden the lens on life and see a bigger picture, rather than being stuck within it can make an enormous difference to our view point. 

It’s a marvellous gift; a gift to be treasured and used regularly; perhaps, a gift that could really make a difference in our world if society employed it more often.

The First Five Hundred

I'm excited....VERY excited....

Why?

For a very, VERY long time I've rabbited on about writing a book. If you've read the previous posts on this blog, then you will know that is a fact - when I started the blog in august 2012, my first post was all about how I was starting it....and then life got in the way...

But, things have changed!

I studied a diploma in Leadership, Coaching and Mentoring last year, and part of that study included several hands-on sessions with other student coaches. This course is not your every-day life coaching weekend workshop - it's a fully accredited, VET funded diploma, trained by Jigsaw Training Group [look them up if you want - I highly recommend their services] and is accredited by the International Coaches Federation - who set the gold standard in coaching.
Anyway, as part of the process of being coached, I made some goals, and put in place some first steps to work towards those goals, one of which was actually writing the book, rather than just hoping, wishing and talking about it!

I hired a book coach, who I have been working with using cyber conferencing [she's in USA] and she has really helped me to get a move along, with great support, no judgement, and a brilliant technique to help remove the blocks to my progress. She even helped me recognise that the procrastination I have paid myself out on for so long is actually part of my process, which allows me to mull over my thoughts and reach deeper within myself for the essence of the message I wish to spread.

One of the blocks, was to get past the 'tall poppy' thing that we Aussies have....and I had in abundance. And announcing that this is actually happening is part of the proof that this block is gone. You see, I had planned to keep this secret til it was all done....just in case it was another 'gunna' [see my first post if you don't know what that is], and to avoid any negatives or criticism I might get.

Now that block is gone, I am delighted to announce that the procrastination [now referred to as percolation] has stopped, and I have passed the first five hundred words of my book.

Yes, I'VE STARTED IT!!!

OK, so 500 words doesn't make a book, or even a chapter. It barely makes a page, but it is 500 words further than any other book writing attempt I have ever made. And it is backed up with a premise, a purpose and a skeleton - a basic book structure that we have nutted out over several coaching sessions. It's not just in my head any more - it's on paper...and in cyberspace too. I have a survey together ready to distribute in order to get my own real-life figures for use in the book, and this will be going out in the next few days [if you want to participate, please message me] and I have a structured timetable for writing another 500 words per day [or more...500 every day is a bare minimum target which I have set for myself].

I'm not gunna anymore....I AM.....that is I AM DOING THIS....AND I AM DOING THIS NOW!

Woohooooooo.....it feels GREAT!!!

Days Like These

We all have them. Days like these.
Days when you just feel down. And often you cant even pinpoint the reason.

It's not been a bad day - actually if I think about it, it's been a pretty good one. And yet,
Ii could happily sit and have a cry! I say 'happily' because I am not actually unhappy....I just feel like I need to cry. How crazy is that?

Feeling like this leads to some introspection - indeed, if it didn't, I'd be a lot more worried!

So, I'm sitting here thinking about my life.

Why do I want to cry?

Perhaps, because I am tired - it's been a big week! Perhaps it is frustration that even through all I have achieved, I still feel I haven't achieved what my mission is [despite being on the path to achieving that]. Maybe it's because underneath it all, I miss my close friends and the deep contact we used to have, and when one is too busy to spend time with one's friends, that goes by the wayside. Maybe it's hormones....or is it just 'that time of year'?

I'm thinking about the fact that it is almost Christmas already - how quickly that has come along - but how I also feel pretty good, because for the first time in a few years now, the tree is up, four weeks ahead of the event, rather than four days! How lucky we are, that we live where we get to celebrate Christmas, with all the trimmings, and we can afford to enjoy it, as well as donate to allow others to enjoy it too.  [That reminds me, I have to buy a gift for the wishing tree at my son's school this week.]

Year's end also makes me think about what I have achieved this year - about whether I have progressed sufficiently to be where I want to be - and this year, I have made definite progress.

I've completed my class time and very nearly completed my assessments for the third diploma in three years - not a bad effort! It will definitely be finished in the next few weeks, and that excites me greatly.
I've been national president of two NFP's simultaneously since 1 August, and we are achieving progress in both - again, exciting.
I've managed to catch up with some of the very special people in my life - some of whom I have barely seen in 20 years - what a hoot!
I've witnessed performances that previously were a name on a bucket list - some were awe-inspiring and lived up to the brief, some a little less so, but I still saw them and I am grateful for the experience!
I've managed to find someone to fix the ceiling damage in my home that has been awaiting repair for 9 months now - it's being done this week....and I have managed to find someone to look after the garden [something I struggle to do with my health issues these days] and keep the exterior of the house maintained....this gives me great joy.

But the greatest joy and most important thing of all to me, is that I have two boys, growing into beautiful young men, and they constantly bring me joy and great pride - and sometimes great frustration too, but that is life!

You know, its funny - looking back at all that I am grateful for, and joyous about, makes me smile....and I don't want to cry any more!

What a wonderful gift it is to be grateful - to stop and appreciate our lives. Our ups and downs, our achievements, and those things we are yet to achieve; the delights, and the disappointments, the meaningful and the whimsical - all the magnificent facets that combine into this glorious thing we call life.

When I stop and think about them, I am grateful most of all, for days like these!

For Everything, There is a Time

Life is a funny game. Twists and turns when you least expect them. What seems a straight and simple path often becomes torturous, and we find ourselves wondering if we made the correct decisions.

Decision making is a funny game too. You think you have all the information, you think you know all the people involved and their quirks, and you think you'll be fine. You put your trust in them, knowing they will deliver....

Then you realise one day, that it is time you stopped relying on others to do what they said they would.

That waiting around for them to deliver, despite their very valid reasons for not delivering, isn't really an option for you. Because the disappointment of being let down becomes too draining on you.

And that is when it happens.

That is the moment when finally, at a low ebb, when you are wondering who you can trust, who you can really, truly rely upon, it happens.

You realise that the little saying you heard so many years ago actually is true. you know the one -

"If it is to be, it is up to me!"

And you stop waiting. 

You stop feeling guilty about even considering other options which you previously regarded as disloyalty. 

You re-frame the way you look at life, and the steely determination you always knew existed somewhere deep inside you bursts to the fore. 

Yes, it is up to ME. 

That doesn't mean I have to do it all by myself.

No, indeed. I have very special and supportive people in my life who I KNOW will be there for me and are dedicated to the same outcomes that I am. I know I am not alone.

But what it does mean, is that when people say they will deliver, I make sure there is a time-frame to that delivery. And if the time-frame is not being met, I look at alternate options. I don't accept valid reasons over and over. I realise when I am no longer someone's priority, and stop being the doormat.

And if they don't like it?

I am not responsible for their actions - or inactions for that matter - they are. If they don't like the fact that I have given up waiting and taken action without them, then I am sorry for them. I am sorry that attempting to gently let them know they are letting me down wasn't enough for them. I am sorry that they chose not to look past their own agenda and see the big picture - to see how the involvement in our projects would have served them too. More-so, I am sorry that they chose to undervalue me, to disrespect my worth, my value to them.  

But the greatest disappointment I have, the biggest sorry of all, is I am sorry I didn't step up earlier. I'm sorry I didn't realise earlier that I was not a priority, and not respected. I'm sorry I didn't recognise my own value, my own worth....sorry that I disrespected myself in allowing them to disrespect me. How many times did they tell me not to be a doormat? I wonder, was all this their way of making me finally make the change, and realise that for me, this is the time. 

Yes, for me, it is time. 

It is time to look after myself. To ensure I am on track for my goals, not being a pawn in someone else's game. 

That doesn't mean I wont give or serve any more - to stop that would be to be completely out of alignment with my values. And being out of alignment is something I have chosen to stop doing.

I will continue to give, and to serve, and to be me. I will continue to ensure that I work for the greater good. 

What I wont do, is be disrespected or walked over. 

And that, my friends, is a very good thing....a very good thing that has taken far too long for me to choose.

For everything there is a time - and this is my time.