And then there are curve balls that are big. Huge, in fact. Curve balls that leave you wondering if you will ever be able to trust again. And leave you doubting your own worth too.
I've done a lot of work on my self-worth over the years. Bullying and other negative experiences as I grew affected my ability to believe in my worth...made me feel like a nothing and a nobody, unworthy of love or respect...or even of being treated well. Then one day, I met a beautiful person who simply accepted me for who I was. Who didn't criticise me, but instead told me how much they appreciated who I was and what I could do...not in words, but by their actions and faith in my ability to bring things to fruition. That person believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. It was a deep and beautiful soul connection and what a difference that made! It opened the door to my soul, allowing it to expand - allowing me to come to a point where I started to realise that I was worthy - that I had a right to respect and love.
Receiving that gift of belief and acceptance helped me to grow and change. To move forward with my life positively, with passion, self-belief, new purpose. I was like a bud finally opening after years of stasis....a cicada tunnelling to the surface, with intentions of singing loudly and passionately.
I studied, learnt, researched, applied my learnings, grew, flourished, started to blog...even started to write my book. Life became amazing....I loved every second of it...
But behind it all, is a yearning for perfection that has stayed with me. A wish to never get it wrong - to always get it right....to be perfect in every way.
Is that a bad thing?
Surely aiming to be the best we can be can't be a bad thing?
Well, yes....it is, when it stops me from doing the things I need to do, having conversations I need to have...because, maybe I wont get it right; when it freezes me and halts the momentum that I have started. I know I have the ability to achieve; the ability for brilliance; the ability to have the difficult conversations. But I am afraid to do it, because some of it might be wrong - I am my own worst enemy!
Lately, my desire for perfection has me wondering about more personal relationships. Do I put too much pressure on my relationships by trying to make them perfect? Do I expect too much?
I'm asking myself a lot of questions....
I've been here before. Before I started to bloom. Back then, I believed everything was my fault - I was the unworthy, not-good-enough being who created every issue in my relationships with others. Now, I'm not so sure....now, I know that there is fault in both sides, because nobody is perfect.
And that, my friends, is exactly how it is meant to be.
Life was never meant to be perfect.
That doesn't mean we are unworthy of love or respect. It doesn't mean we should let others walk all over us and ignore our needs. It doesn't mean we can never be happy or have trust, or experience deep and real connection with others.
What is DOES mean is that it's messy, disorganised, sometimes downright awful to the point where we wonder if we will ever get through....
but at the same time, it's brilliant, shining, incredible...
and absolutely perfect!
So yes, here I sit processing my curve ball, wondering if I can find the strength to have the difficult conversation I know I must have, and I come to the realisation, that perfection is created out of imperfection. So, if I get that conversation wrong, or even if I am wrong about what I think the issue is, it doesn't have to spoil everything. It might not be a flyer of a day, where it all goes right, in fact the outcome might be downright awful, but it will be a part of the fabulously perfect puzzle that is life.
I will grow from it. I will learn from it. I will come out the other end a stronger and more confident person.
And I will respect and love myself for having stayed true to my perfectly imperfect, worthy self.
