Days Like These

We all have them. Days like these.
Days when you just feel down. And often you cant even pinpoint the reason.

It's not been a bad day - actually if I think about it, it's been a pretty good one. And yet,
Ii could happily sit and have a cry! I say 'happily' because I am not actually unhappy....I just feel like I need to cry. How crazy is that?

Feeling like this leads to some introspection - indeed, if it didn't, I'd be a lot more worried!

So, I'm sitting here thinking about my life.

Why do I want to cry?

Perhaps, because I am tired - it's been a big week! Perhaps it is frustration that even through all I have achieved, I still feel I haven't achieved what my mission is [despite being on the path to achieving that]. Maybe it's because underneath it all, I miss my close friends and the deep contact we used to have, and when one is too busy to spend time with one's friends, that goes by the wayside. Maybe it's hormones....or is it just 'that time of year'?

I'm thinking about the fact that it is almost Christmas already - how quickly that has come along - but how I also feel pretty good, because for the first time in a few years now, the tree is up, four weeks ahead of the event, rather than four days! How lucky we are, that we live where we get to celebrate Christmas, with all the trimmings, and we can afford to enjoy it, as well as donate to allow others to enjoy it too.  [That reminds me, I have to buy a gift for the wishing tree at my son's school this week.]

Year's end also makes me think about what I have achieved this year - about whether I have progressed sufficiently to be where I want to be - and this year, I have made definite progress.

I've completed my class time and very nearly completed my assessments for the third diploma in three years - not a bad effort! It will definitely be finished in the next few weeks, and that excites me greatly.
I've been national president of two NFP's simultaneously since 1 August, and we are achieving progress in both - again, exciting.
I've managed to catch up with some of the very special people in my life - some of whom I have barely seen in 20 years - what a hoot!
I've witnessed performances that previously were a name on a bucket list - some were awe-inspiring and lived up to the brief, some a little less so, but I still saw them and I am grateful for the experience!
I've managed to find someone to fix the ceiling damage in my home that has been awaiting repair for 9 months now - it's being done this week....and I have managed to find someone to look after the garden [something I struggle to do with my health issues these days] and keep the exterior of the house maintained....this gives me great joy.

But the greatest joy and most important thing of all to me, is that I have two boys, growing into beautiful young men, and they constantly bring me joy and great pride - and sometimes great frustration too, but that is life!

You know, its funny - looking back at all that I am grateful for, and joyous about, makes me smile....and I don't want to cry any more!

What a wonderful gift it is to be grateful - to stop and appreciate our lives. Our ups and downs, our achievements, and those things we are yet to achieve; the delights, and the disappointments, the meaningful and the whimsical - all the magnificent facets that combine into this glorious thing we call life.

When I stop and think about them, I am grateful most of all, for days like these!

For Everything, There is a Time

Life is a funny game. Twists and turns when you least expect them. What seems a straight and simple path often becomes torturous, and we find ourselves wondering if we made the correct decisions.

Decision making is a funny game too. You think you have all the information, you think you know all the people involved and their quirks, and you think you'll be fine. You put your trust in them, knowing they will deliver....

Then you realise one day, that it is time you stopped relying on others to do what they said they would.

That waiting around for them to deliver, despite their very valid reasons for not delivering, isn't really an option for you. Because the disappointment of being let down becomes too draining on you.

And that is when it happens.

That is the moment when finally, at a low ebb, when you are wondering who you can trust, who you can really, truly rely upon, it happens.

You realise that the little saying you heard so many years ago actually is true. you know the one -

"If it is to be, it is up to me!"

And you stop waiting. 

You stop feeling guilty about even considering other options which you previously regarded as disloyalty. 

You re-frame the way you look at life, and the steely determination you always knew existed somewhere deep inside you bursts to the fore. 

Yes, it is up to ME. 

That doesn't mean I have to do it all by myself.

No, indeed. I have very special and supportive people in my life who I KNOW will be there for me and are dedicated to the same outcomes that I am. I know I am not alone.

But what it does mean, is that when people say they will deliver, I make sure there is a time-frame to that delivery. And if the time-frame is not being met, I look at alternate options. I don't accept valid reasons over and over. I realise when I am no longer someone's priority, and stop being the doormat.

And if they don't like it?

I am not responsible for their actions - or inactions for that matter - they are. If they don't like the fact that I have given up waiting and taken action without them, then I am sorry for them. I am sorry that attempting to gently let them know they are letting me down wasn't enough for them. I am sorry that they chose not to look past their own agenda and see the big picture - to see how the involvement in our projects would have served them too. More-so, I am sorry that they chose to undervalue me, to disrespect my worth, my value to them.  

But the greatest disappointment I have, the biggest sorry of all, is I am sorry I didn't step up earlier. I'm sorry I didn't realise earlier that I was not a priority, and not respected. I'm sorry I didn't recognise my own value, my own worth....sorry that I disrespected myself in allowing them to disrespect me. How many times did they tell me not to be a doormat? I wonder, was all this their way of making me finally make the change, and realise that for me, this is the time. 

Yes, for me, it is time. 

It is time to look after myself. To ensure I am on track for my goals, not being a pawn in someone else's game. 

That doesn't mean I wont give or serve any more - to stop that would be to be completely out of alignment with my values. And being out of alignment is something I have chosen to stop doing.

I will continue to give, and to serve, and to be me. I will continue to ensure that I work for the greater good. 

What I wont do, is be disrespected or walked over. 

And that, my friends, is a very good thing....a very good thing that has taken far too long for me to choose.

For everything there is a time - and this is my time.