Days Like These

We all have them. Days like these.
Days when you just feel down. And often you cant even pinpoint the reason.

It's not been a bad day - actually if I think about it, it's been a pretty good one. And yet,
Ii could happily sit and have a cry! I say 'happily' because I am not actually unhappy....I just feel like I need to cry. How crazy is that?

Feeling like this leads to some introspection - indeed, if it didn't, I'd be a lot more worried!

So, I'm sitting here thinking about my life.

Why do I want to cry?

Perhaps, because I am tired - it's been a big week! Perhaps it is frustration that even through all I have achieved, I still feel I haven't achieved what my mission is [despite being on the path to achieving that]. Maybe it's because underneath it all, I miss my close friends and the deep contact we used to have, and when one is too busy to spend time with one's friends, that goes by the wayside. Maybe it's hormones....or is it just 'that time of year'?

I'm thinking about the fact that it is almost Christmas already - how quickly that has come along - but how I also feel pretty good, because for the first time in a few years now, the tree is up, four weeks ahead of the event, rather than four days! How lucky we are, that we live where we get to celebrate Christmas, with all the trimmings, and we can afford to enjoy it, as well as donate to allow others to enjoy it too.  [That reminds me, I have to buy a gift for the wishing tree at my son's school this week.]

Year's end also makes me think about what I have achieved this year - about whether I have progressed sufficiently to be where I want to be - and this year, I have made definite progress.

I've completed my class time and very nearly completed my assessments for the third diploma in three years - not a bad effort! It will definitely be finished in the next few weeks, and that excites me greatly.
I've been national president of two NFP's simultaneously since 1 August, and we are achieving progress in both - again, exciting.
I've managed to catch up with some of the very special people in my life - some of whom I have barely seen in 20 years - what a hoot!
I've witnessed performances that previously were a name on a bucket list - some were awe-inspiring and lived up to the brief, some a little less so, but I still saw them and I am grateful for the experience!
I've managed to find someone to fix the ceiling damage in my home that has been awaiting repair for 9 months now - it's being done this week....and I have managed to find someone to look after the garden [something I struggle to do with my health issues these days] and keep the exterior of the house maintained....this gives me great joy.

But the greatest joy and most important thing of all to me, is that I have two boys, growing into beautiful young men, and they constantly bring me joy and great pride - and sometimes great frustration too, but that is life!

You know, its funny - looking back at all that I am grateful for, and joyous about, makes me smile....and I don't want to cry any more!

What a wonderful gift it is to be grateful - to stop and appreciate our lives. Our ups and downs, our achievements, and those things we are yet to achieve; the delights, and the disappointments, the meaningful and the whimsical - all the magnificent facets that combine into this glorious thing we call life.

When I stop and think about them, I am grateful most of all, for days like these!

For Everything, There is a Time

Life is a funny game. Twists and turns when you least expect them. What seems a straight and simple path often becomes torturous, and we find ourselves wondering if we made the correct decisions.

Decision making is a funny game too. You think you have all the information, you think you know all the people involved and their quirks, and you think you'll be fine. You put your trust in them, knowing they will deliver....

Then you realise one day, that it is time you stopped relying on others to do what they said they would.

That waiting around for them to deliver, despite their very valid reasons for not delivering, isn't really an option for you. Because the disappointment of being let down becomes too draining on you.

And that is when it happens.

That is the moment when finally, at a low ebb, when you are wondering who you can trust, who you can really, truly rely upon, it happens.

You realise that the little saying you heard so many years ago actually is true. you know the one -

"If it is to be, it is up to me!"

And you stop waiting. 

You stop feeling guilty about even considering other options which you previously regarded as disloyalty. 

You re-frame the way you look at life, and the steely determination you always knew existed somewhere deep inside you bursts to the fore. 

Yes, it is up to ME. 

That doesn't mean I have to do it all by myself.

No, indeed. I have very special and supportive people in my life who I KNOW will be there for me and are dedicated to the same outcomes that I am. I know I am not alone.

But what it does mean, is that when people say they will deliver, I make sure there is a time-frame to that delivery. And if the time-frame is not being met, I look at alternate options. I don't accept valid reasons over and over. I realise when I am no longer someone's priority, and stop being the doormat.

And if they don't like it?

I am not responsible for their actions - or inactions for that matter - they are. If they don't like the fact that I have given up waiting and taken action without them, then I am sorry for them. I am sorry that attempting to gently let them know they are letting me down wasn't enough for them. I am sorry that they chose not to look past their own agenda and see the big picture - to see how the involvement in our projects would have served them too. More-so, I am sorry that they chose to undervalue me, to disrespect my worth, my value to them.  

But the greatest disappointment I have, the biggest sorry of all, is I am sorry I didn't step up earlier. I'm sorry I didn't realise earlier that I was not a priority, and not respected. I'm sorry I didn't recognise my own value, my own worth....sorry that I disrespected myself in allowing them to disrespect me. How many times did they tell me not to be a doormat? I wonder, was all this their way of making me finally make the change, and realise that for me, this is the time. 

Yes, for me, it is time. 

It is time to look after myself. To ensure I am on track for my goals, not being a pawn in someone else's game. 

That doesn't mean I wont give or serve any more - to stop that would be to be completely out of alignment with my values. And being out of alignment is something I have chosen to stop doing.

I will continue to give, and to serve, and to be me. I will continue to ensure that I work for the greater good. 

What I wont do, is be disrespected or walked over. 

And that, my friends, is a very good thing....a very good thing that has taken far too long for me to choose.

For everything there is a time - and this is my time.

I've got this...

I can't seem to settle tonight - tired as can be, and really need to hit the sack...but struggling to get there. Really blocked with writing this speech - not because I cant do it, but because I have the memory of listening to an installation speech way back at the first conference I ever attended, and being so awed by the speech and the position of the person delivering it. To me, this was something to aspire to - something I never believed back then, that I could expect to be able to do. Yet, here I am, less than 10 years since first attending our conference and seeing a Region President installed and tomorrow, I am to be installed as Region President.
I know I am capable of doing this - yes, that is how far I have come - back then, I was playing the 'fake it til you make it' game. I may have looked like I was confident to the outside world, but in reality, I was anything but!
Ten years of life later, I've had the kind of growth most people take 30 years to accomplish, thanks to the support and encouragement of a group of incredible people. My 'other family' who have lifted me up and helped me to expand my horizons far beyond anything I ever imagined possible. These fabulous folks are the members of POWERtalk International - a not for profit organisation who provide training in public speaking and leadership skills. Through their training and evaluation, I have learnt an enormous amount and grown in confidence and competence. My horizons have expanded to a point where I honestly feel the possibilities are limitless... AND achievable!
Don't misunderstand - I'm nervous! But now, the nerves aren't holding me back. Instead they are serving a purpose. They remind me to remain accountable, to ensure I put in the hours required in order to serve this term with purpose and integrity - to inspire others to realise their potential too!
I hope that in doing so, I will inspire other members to expand their horizons, and move forward as I have, growing in capability, capacity and confidence.

The Surreal Experience of Meeting....

I grew up in a really small country town - nobody special - just little me.
My life consisted of school and home on the farm, doing chores like feeding the chooks, peeling the potatoes, helping out with cleaning etc. Nothing special - just ordinary everyday stuff.
We rarely went anywhere - other than the occasional trip to the beach where we sometimes over-nighted at a little house owned by my Grandad. Until I was 17 years old, I had never been further than 100km from home.
Since then, I've been over most of Australia and travelled overseas many times - been to Malaysia, New Zealand and America several times each, and to London, Paris, Canada, Alaska, Barcelona, Singapore, Thailand, Fiji, Vanuatu, and even to Turkey which included the most amazing day in Troy and Gallipoli - a day that will forever be emblazoned in my memory.
My parents were clean-living, hard-working and very humble people. We were taught not to blow our own trumpet - in fact, we were encouraged to talk ourselves down, not up, and certainly never to step out of our place and talk to anyone famous or even note-worthy.

So tonight, here I was - little me from the country - at a fundraiser for a medical research institute, seated in a lovely intimate setting with about 600 other people, one of whom was the current Prime Minister of Australia. He wasn't the only dignitary. The Dutch Ambassador was there too, as well as lots of well known people. During the speeches, my husband's name was mentioned. I doubt he will stop smiling any time soon [how often do you get a mention in front of the PM?]. Shortly after the formalities, the PM started to leave - as PM's do, because they are busy people, and he needed to be elsewhere. He walked past our table, and out to the foyer. A couple of people stopped him there for a photo and that's when it happened.

Little me, the girl from the country, the one who had been taught from birth to stay quietly in the background and NEVER to push herself forward, grabbed her husband's hand, and said "Let's go get a photo!"

So we did!



We had to line up, and the minders said it would have to be quick. I asked if they would take the photo or if I should do a selfie - they said, "selfie is the go!" So, I took a selfie with the Prime Minister. Then I called my husband to have one with us too - so I have a selfie with hubby, myself and the PM too.  He was so gracious, very polite, shook my husband's hand, and smiled his lopsided smile while I snapped away!

What a moment! Who would have believed I would even be in the same room with the Prime Minister, let alone get a photo with him? It was an incredibly surreal experience.

After he left and the proceedings had completed, we walked over the road to get a cab, chatting with the Dutch Ambassador, just as you would with anyone else!

And you know what was really the biggest thing I got out of it all?

The biggest thing I got out of it, was that they are people just like me, having a human experience, just like me, and I bet that they have moments where they cannot believe the surreal-ness of meeting someone either! I bet they think to themselves as I did, "Imagine that! Little old me, meeting them....Incredible!"

31 Months and counting...



Yes, my friends, it has been 31 months since last I posted, and an enormous amount has happened in that time - from deaths in the family to a personal leukaemia diagnosis and more. It seems that book was not ready to be written. I haven't given up on the idea at all - but like most of my life, it is morphing into new visions and ideas.

Since my original post, I have continued to study - I am now the proud holder of a Diploma of Management to go with my Counselling Diploma, and currently am studying again - this time a Diploma of Leadership, Coaching and Mentoring. What a course! It will certainly put me well and truly on track, and empower me with the tools to assist others to find their own track too.

So, for now, the book in on hold. Oh....and the leukaemia in remission for 12 months now, so the world is full of hope and possibilities. Bring it on!