I initially resonated with this statement, but on reflection, I see it differently.
We've all been there - been kind and offered assistance taken by someone who we perceived as not really needing the help but just too lazy or too tight to do something for themselves. And it just leaves us feeling used....and not inclined to offer assistance again.
I don't know about you, but I don't like feeling that way. So I took some time to reflect on how one finds themselves in that position and how to stop it happening.
To start with, the urge to be kind and giving comes from within us. We decide to do something kind for someone out of the 'goodness of our heart' [which translated means because it is in alignment with our personal values]. When we give, and perceive that the giving is received gratefully, our values are upheld and we feel justified in having done the deed.
But what happens when the receiver of our deed does not show gratitude?
A lack of gratitude for our deed can come from many spaces. It may come from embarrassment - the person we have helped may be embarrassed that they weren't able to help themselves. This comes from a space of self-judgement - "I'm not good enough because I had to receive help". Or it may come from a space of misunderstanding of your motives [eg. "They're looking for a promotion and just want the boss to think they are better than me"].
Or, it may come from a differing set of values to that which you have.
What do I mean by that?
The person you helped may not have seen the issue as requiring help, as it may not have been high on their priority list. It's hard to believe when you value something highly, that the other person might not, but it happens - and it happens regularly!
If you find yourself in a position where you have done a good deed that has gone unappreciated, take a long and close look at the circumstances. Does the person you helped feel embarrassed? Helping people up when they are down often involves a degree of shame for the one you helped. I find, that asking them to pay it forward when they are in a position to do so, makes a huge difference to their feeling of shame, and creates a movement of kindness.
Do they misunderstand your motives? One option here is to communicate clearly and ensure they understand your position. Another is to take the high road, and let them discover for themselves over time, that you are a person of integrity. Or perhaps help anonymously. Either way, their judgement of you, is none of your business. What matters is how you see yourself, not how others see you.
This works for values judgements too. If you feel your contribution was not valued, then examine the situation from an outside perspective. Is it simply a values difference? If so, recognise that the lack of gratitude stems from there, and respect that every person in this world does not share the same values.
Giving help originates from within. Before you get disillusioned about being kind or helpful, understand that if you give because it is in alignment with your values, then ceasing to give will not sit comfortably with you.
But nobody likes to feel unappreciated, so how do we avoid that?
First, appreciate your own actions! If you have done a good thing for someone, thank yourself. It's OK to appreciate your own blessings - we shine through living in alignment with what is of highest value to us. It makes us feel good, and gives us energy and enthusiasm.
Before you jump to someone's rescue, take a moment to ask yourself some questions.
1. Do they really want/need my help? If they don't, consider placing your efforts elsewhere.
2. Will it serve them? Perhaps your idea of what will help, might not be the right help for them. Confucius knew what he was talking about when he said, "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for life." The wrong kind of help dis-empowers the receiver; the right kind, empowers them.
3. Will it serve you? If your values dictate that you give regardless, then go right ahead and do so, bearing in mind point 2 above.
We all get it wrong sometimes. Our best intentions don't always work for everyone. Recognising when your kind intentions are not working will help you to give more freely and with greater impact.
