The Never-ending Story of Imperfection...

There are days when it all works...everything just seems to come together and you think you must have finally evolved into some kind of almost 'perfect' being who flies through it all and isn't bothered by the curve balls.

And then there are curve balls that are big. Huge, in fact. Curve balls that leave you wondering if you will ever be able to trust again. And leave you doubting your own worth too.

I've done a lot of work on my self-worth over the years. Bullying and other negative experiences as I grew affected my ability to believe in my worth...made me feel like a nothing and a nobody, unworthy of love or respect...or even of being treated well. Then one day, I met a beautiful person who simply accepted me for who I was. Who didn't criticise me, but instead told me how much they appreciated who I was and what I could do...not in words, but by their actions and faith in my ability to bring things to fruition. That person believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. It was a deep and beautiful soul connection and what a difference that made! It opened the door to my soul, allowing it to expand - allowing me to come to a point where I started to realise that I was worthy - that I had a right to respect and love.

Receiving that gift of belief and acceptance helped me to grow and change. To move forward with my life positively, with passion, self-belief, new purpose. I was like a bud finally opening after years of stasis....a cicada tunnelling to the surface, with intentions of singing loudly and passionately.

I studied, learnt, researched, applied my learnings, grew, flourished, started to blog...even started to write my book. Life became amazing....I loved every second of it...

But behind it all, is a yearning for perfection that has stayed with me. A wish to never get it wrong - to always get it right....to be perfect in every way.

Is that a bad thing?

Surely aiming to be the best we can be can't be a bad thing?

Well, yes....it is, when it stops me from doing the things I need to do, having conversations I need to have...because, maybe I wont get it right; when it freezes me and halts the momentum that I have started. I know I have the ability to achieve; the ability for brilliance; the ability to have the difficult conversations. But I am afraid to do it, because some of it might be wrong - I am my own worst enemy!

Lately, my desire for perfection has me wondering about more personal relationships. Do I put too much pressure on my relationships by trying to make them perfect? Do I expect too much?

I'm asking myself a lot of questions....

I've been here before. Before I started to bloom. Back then, I believed everything was my fault - I was the unworthy, not-good-enough being who created every issue in my relationships with others. Now, I'm not so sure....now, I know that there is fault in both sides, because nobody is perfect.

And that, my friends, is exactly how it is meant to be.

Life was never meant to be perfect. 

That doesn't mean we are unworthy of love or respect. It doesn't mean we should let others walk all over us and ignore our needs. It doesn't mean we can never be happy or have trust, or experience deep and real connection with others.

What is DOES mean is that it's messy, disorganised, sometimes downright awful to the point where we wonder if we will ever get through....

but at the same time, it's brilliant, shining, incredible...

and absolutely perfect!

So yes, here I sit processing my curve ball, wondering if I can find the strength to have the difficult conversation I know I must have, and I come to the realisation, that perfection is created out of imperfection. So, if I get that conversation wrong, or even if I am wrong about what I think the issue is, it doesn't have to spoil everything. It might not be a flyer of a day, where it all goes right, in fact the outcome might be downright awful, but it will be a part of the fabulously perfect puzzle that is life.

I will grow from it. I will learn from it. I will come out the other end a stronger and more confident person.

And I will respect and love myself for having stayed true to my perfectly imperfect, worthy self.

Rest Home

I wrote this poem a couple of years back. I think it is self-explanatory.

Rest Home 

by Mary Wong

Toothless, helpless, speech unintelligible

Body swaying like a leaf in gentle breeze,

Awaiting visitors who never eventuate.

Where are they? Why do they not come?

Thoughts cut like sabres.

Joy,

Wonder,

Obsessive parenting rituals.

Where are they? Why do they not come?

She dressed them, fed them, cared for their ills,

soothed the pain of unrequited love.

She went without,

Cared for their children whilst they had a life.

Where are they? Why do they not come?

First love, second love, endless love.

Babies – toothless, helpless, unable to speak

Toddlers with wobbly legs and sticky fingers

School children excitable, demanding, self-centred

Teens, excitable, demanding, selfish, sullen.

             

Young adults bursting with dreams and potential

Adults suddenly aware of what it is to love –

To truly love.

Where are they? Why do they not come?

Memories,

Lessons,

Wisdom to share.

With who?

Where are they? Why do they not come?

A Matter of Perspective

Perspective is a wonderful thing!

Every week-day morning of the school term, I get up and the morning insanity begins. A frantic combination of ‘Get up!’; ‘Brush your teeth’, ‘come on, what’s taking you so long in the bathroom? Your brother is waiting to go’, ‘concentrate on eating please, you have to leave in two minutes’, ‘Where’s your sports-bag?’, ‘Don’t forget your lunch’ …and so it goes on. If the boys aren’t out the door by 7.30am at the latest, the traffic is too heavy and they’re late for school. It’s a stressful and often frustrating process. Regardless of how organised we are, or how early we rise, it’s nearly always the same last minute rush, and [honestly] not-particularly-enjoyable process of bundling them in the car and rushing off to fight the morning traffic.

This morning, it was Dad’s turn to do the driving. After the boys had left, I sat at my desk, preparing for the day, and glanced out my window. Across the road, a family of four were in the ‘bundling them in the car’ process [their school is closer and starts later than ours]. As the three older children – all dressed up in their neat, well-pressed uniforms, neatly combed hair, clean teeth, school bags and hats in place – lined up to put their things in the car, with the father helping them, the younger sibling, dressed in a pink tutu pranced around the car and the Mum hovered about like a bumble bee, busily checking all was in place. I paused at my work and took in the scene and was amazed that from an outsider’s perspective, it all looked so beautiful. I’m very familiar with the bumble-bee Mum’s participation in the process, and could see she was just as anxious as I am each morning to get them all in and on their way on time. But, I was simultaneously surprised to realise what a special and precious time it was in the lives of that family, all together being guided towards a single purpose. The mundane morning insanity suddenly took on a whole new light and instead of a thing of stress and difficulty, became a precious gift of love and unity.

That is what perspective does for you. Taking the time to look from a different angle, to broaden the lens on life and see a bigger picture, rather than being stuck within it can make an enormous difference to our view point. 

It’s a marvellous gift; a gift to be treasured and used regularly; perhaps, a gift that could really make a difference in our world if society employed it more often.

The First Five Hundred

I'm excited....VERY excited....

Why?

For a very, VERY long time I've rabbited on about writing a book. If you've read the previous posts on this blog, then you will know that is a fact - when I started the blog in august 2012, my first post was all about how I was starting it....and then life got in the way...

But, things have changed!

I studied a diploma in Leadership, Coaching and Mentoring last year, and part of that study included several hands-on sessions with other student coaches. This course is not your every-day life coaching weekend workshop - it's a fully accredited, VET funded diploma, trained by Jigsaw Training Group [look them up if you want - I highly recommend their services] and is accredited by the International Coaches Federation - who set the gold standard in coaching.
Anyway, as part of the process of being coached, I made some goals, and put in place some first steps to work towards those goals, one of which was actually writing the book, rather than just hoping, wishing and talking about it!

I hired a book coach, who I have been working with using cyber conferencing [she's in USA] and she has really helped me to get a move along, with great support, no judgement, and a brilliant technique to help remove the blocks to my progress. She even helped me recognise that the procrastination I have paid myself out on for so long is actually part of my process, which allows me to mull over my thoughts and reach deeper within myself for the essence of the message I wish to spread.

One of the blocks, was to get past the 'tall poppy' thing that we Aussies have....and I had in abundance. And announcing that this is actually happening is part of the proof that this block is gone. You see, I had planned to keep this secret til it was all done....just in case it was another 'gunna' [see my first post if you don't know what that is], and to avoid any negatives or criticism I might get.

Now that block is gone, I am delighted to announce that the procrastination [now referred to as percolation] has stopped, and I have passed the first five hundred words of my book.

Yes, I'VE STARTED IT!!!

OK, so 500 words doesn't make a book, or even a chapter. It barely makes a page, but it is 500 words further than any other book writing attempt I have ever made. And it is backed up with a premise, a purpose and a skeleton - a basic book structure that we have nutted out over several coaching sessions. It's not just in my head any more - it's on paper...and in cyberspace too. I have a survey together ready to distribute in order to get my own real-life figures for use in the book, and this will be going out in the next few days [if you want to participate, please message me] and I have a structured timetable for writing another 500 words per day [or more...500 every day is a bare minimum target which I have set for myself].

I'm not gunna anymore....I AM.....that is I AM DOING THIS....AND I AM DOING THIS NOW!

Woohooooooo.....it feels GREAT!!!